Crush!
by Kin Ryu
Summary: My stupid little Gundam spoof of the show Crush!


Crush!

  
  


"Hi, my name is Zechs Marquise!" Someone in the audience hauls off and screams out "No, it isn't! It's Milliardo Peacecraft!" Zechs twirls around points a gun at his head. "What's my name, bitch?" The guy's too scared to answer him. Zechs nods and turns back around.

  
  


"Anyway....we're here today on Crush to find out whoooooo has a crush on you! Our first contestant is Heero Yuy from L1 Colony Cluster. He's a Gundam pilot and his favorite pastime is blowing up Oz bases and telling people æOmae o korosu.' Here he is! Heero Yuy!"

  
  


Heero comes walking down the stairway grumbling about something under his breath. Only faint sounds of "Duo" and "braided baka" can be heard. He sits in the seat without shaking hands with the host and crosses his arms. Zechs mutters "Oookay." under his breath and the introduces the first potential crush.

  
  


"Your first potential crush, Heero, is this boy. Look at the door and see if you can tell us who it is!" Zechs sweatdrops as Heero looks everywhere but the door. The panel slides back to reveal a pair of lips and the end tip of an unusual bang.

  
  


"Heero, I met you at one of the battles at an Oz base. You and I have never done anything together than plan and execute battle strategies." The panel slid back into place and Heero looked at the door. "Finally!" thought Zechs.

  
  


"Heero! Who was that?!" he screamed in an overly exaggerated voice.

  
  


"Trowa," came Heero's sharp reply.

  
  


"That's right! Come on out Trowa Barton!" Trowa came out of the door and walked right past Heero and sat on the couch. Zechs sweatdropped. This wasn't supposed to be happening! They were supposed to be hugging and maybe a little kissing. They were at least supposed to look at each other!!!

  
  


"Heero? Aren't you going to say æHi' to Trowa?"

  
  


"Will it shut you up if I do?" Zechs sweatdropped and went onto the next potential crush.

  
  


"Heero! Look at the door and tell us who's voice this is!" The panel slid back to reveal another pair of lips and again, Heero looked everywhere but the door.

  
  


"This is getting boring," he muttered and pulled his laptop out of Hammerspace.

  
  


"Heero. I don't remember when we met. I just know it was at an Oz battle. That's pretty much the extent of our relationship. You come over to hang out at my mansions and estates and we fight together." (All during this whole thing, Trowa's eyes were locked to the panel. *He kept greedily licking his lips!*)

  
  


"Quatre...." Heero mumbled as the blonde boy came out of the room. He bounced down the steps and sat with Trowa, snuggling as close as possible.

  
  


"Aren't you guys gonna hug or say hello or something?!" Zechs asked.

  
  


Quatre got up to give Heero a hug and stopped dead with a gun to his forehead. He gave up and went back to Trowa who put a comforting arm around him.

  
  


"And your last potential crush! WILL YOU LOOK AT THE DAMN DOOR JUST ONCE THIS WHOLE EPISODE!!!!!!" Heero looked at the door for two milliseconds and went back to typing furiously on his laptop.

  
  


Zechs sweatdropped and puffed a little. The panel slid open to show a boy's lips with a braid hanging down the side.

  
  


"Heero. You've always been at most of the battles I was. I can still remember the first time we met. I had Deathscythe hauling up your Wing and I shot you two times and tried to save Relena. Now I ask myself æWhy the hell did I shoot you! Why didn't I shoot the fucking bitch!' Wish I had. Then maybe our relationship would be better and you wouldn't be so antisocial to me all the time!"

  
  


"Don't ask, Zechs. If I don't answer maybe he won't come through that door."

  
  


"Too bad. He's coming anyway." Zechs collapsed into his chair as Duo came running down the stairs and towards Heero. Before he could stop him, Duo had him embraced in a hug. Heero calmly reached around behind him and latched onto the braid.

  
  


"ITAI! Heero! Let my hair go!" Duo took a seat with Trowa and Quatre, who were promptly making out right then and there. He tried to sit as far away as possible. Duo turned towards the two as a button popped off of Quatre's shirt and hit him in the face.

  
  


"Yeesh...." he muttered turning his attention back to Heero.

  
  


Zechs rubbed the bridge of his nose. He turned back to Heero.

  
  


"Heero. Now's the time to ask them questions to try and figure out who your crush is (as if that's hard to figure out by now!) You can ask them anything except 'Do you have a crush on me?'"

  
  


Heero turned towards Quatre and Trowa.

  
  


"Hey, you two. Who are you making out with?"

  
  


Trowa's reply came back as "My angel" and Quatre's was "My Trowa." Heero shook his head and turned towards Duo.

  
  


"Hey, Duo. You dragged me up here. If you don't have the crush on me, I'm going to kill you. Understand?"

  
  


Duo did a fake salute and said "Mission accepted." Heero growled a bit and turned to Zechs. 

  
  


"It's him," he said simply. Duo started nodding vigorously. Zechs turned away from the two on the end of the couch.

  
  


"And we'll find out if that's true in a second. As soon as we come back from these commercials."

  
  


"Oh, fuck no!" Heero whipped his gun out from behind his back and aimed it at Zechs. (Where he hauled it from, I'm not sure but I'll tell you it wasn't from hammerspace.)

  
  


"You are going to keep us on air and we are going to finish this right NOW!" he screamed.

  
  


"Okay. Okay. I wanna finish this too. You guys on the couch stand up and will the one who has a crush on Heero Yuy walk up and give him a hug?" Duo was the only one to stand up. Before he could give Heero a hug, Relena came running down from the audience and latched firmly onto Heero, almost suffocating him.

  
  


Duo whipped out a gun from behind his back (look above to the explanation about Heero's gun) and aimed it a Relena. He reached one hand up and pulled down his black ball cap that had suddenly appeared out of hammerspace in his hand.

  
  


"Stand back, Miss Relena, or this time I won't be aiming for Heero." He proved his point by shooting her foot. She crippled to the ground and Heero went down after her.

  
  


"Heero! You really do love me!"

  
  


"Nah, just wanna finish something." Heero took his gun off of Zechs and pointed it at Relena's head.

  
  


"I can finally get rid of you and your false peace." Relena fell to the ground with a hole in her head and the crowd jumped up, clapping for Heero.

  
  


Heero nodded his acknowledgment and pointed the gun back at Zechs.

  
  


"Now, are you going to finish this or not?" he asked in a monotonous voice.

  
  


"Uh...Yeah! Who has a crush on you? Will that person please step forward and give Heero a hug?" 

  
  


Duo walked forward and swung his arms around Heero's neck. Again Heero reached up, pulled on his braid until he had let go and was laying on the ground holding the back of his head.

  
  


"Now, Heero Yuy. We have our Crush travel agents in back. You just go to them and they'll set you up with two tickets for you and Duo or for you and a friend." Zechs looked down at his dead sister's corpse wanting to scream for joy but not wanting to set off Heero's itchy trigger finger. 

  
  


Heero went backstage with the travel agents. Zechs turned to Duo.

  
  


"Now, Duo. What do you think he'll do? Do you think you'll go with him or not?" he asked.

  
  


"Well, I've known Heero for quite a bit (since about the third episode where I shot him) and I think that we've grown pretty close. I think that he might just take me with him. After all, he needs the relaxation and if I'm not around to teach him, he'll never relax."

  
  


Heero came back onto the set with a card in his hands and a couple of bloodstains on his shirt. In the background, a woman could just barely be heard screaming for a paramedic.

  
  


"So, Heero. What was your choice? Go with Duo or without? Before you answer we have Duo's last pleas here." A screen popped up with the braided pilot on it. He pulled his ball cap down low enough to distinguish his figures and then ripped it off.

  
  


"Well, by now you know it's me anyway so why bother with the mysterious thing? Heero, since I shot you and you still went after that damn gun I knew I loved you. I really am sorry for that. But take me to Hawaii. Okay?" He grinned a smile before doing a peace sign and blanking out.

  
  


"Well, Heero? What's the decision?" Heero threw the folded card at him.

  
  


"Here, you read it. I already know what's in there. If you need me, I'll be in the hangar, working on Zero." Heero walked off the set and a faint welding sound could be heard seconds later.

  
  


"Man, he doesn't waste time..." Zechs muttered under his breath. He reached down and picked up the card and opened it. Inside was an extremely fake looking pink ticket. Scrawled across it were the words BECOME LOVERS.

  
  


"YES! I am going to Hawaii with that kawaii boy! I'm out of here! Bye Zechs! Bye Qua....I'm not even going to bother. He can't hear me anyhow. Woooohoooo!" Duo ran off the stage and the welding sound stopped. Then came Duo's voice, "ITAI! I'M SORRY, HEERO. WOULD YOU TURN THE FLAMETHROWER OFF?! DON'T YOU DARE GO NEAR MY BRAID, HEERO YUY!!!!"

  
  


Zechs sweatdropped and looked down at the couple on the couch. Neither was clothed any longer. Unless you considered socks and shoes.

  
  


"Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Zechs Marquise..."

  
  


"No you're not! You're Milliardo Peace-" The voice was cut off abruptly as Zechs shot the source of it between the eyes.

  
  


"I'm Zechs Marquise," he continued in a slow and steady voice, daring anyone in the audience to deny it. "And you just watched Crush. The show that asks the question on everybody's mind. 'Who has a crush on you?' Good-night!"

  
  


"Wait a minute! Wait. A. Minute. How come I wasn't in this whole thing? The others were. You're not even originally a Gundam pilot. Tallgeese was made of titanium, not gundanium. And you got to be the host! It's injustice! All, I'm doing is waiting in the audience waiting for a cue that never came! Why the hell wasn't I in this plot?! INJUSTICE! WHY DO THE WEAK GET TO BE ON HERE AND THE STRONG DON'T?!"

  
  


"I don't know. I'm just a anime character who got his arm twisted to be put in here. The author said she'd take away Epyon and destroy the Colonies if I didn't. Go take it up with her. I don't have a clue." Zechs started to mutter incoherently under his breath and walked away. He took off his helmet and smashed it into the door, shattering it into a million pieces before walking through.

  
  


A riot started to break out between the people in the audience who weren't on the show.

  
  


~OWARI~

  
  
  
  
  
  


Wufei-What do you mean "owari?!" I wasn't even on here! All I did was sit in the audience. It's injustice I tell you!

  
  


Angel-What do you expect me to do? You suck. I don't like you as a character.

  
  


Wufei-What! *pulls out his sword and holds it under her throat* I what?

  
  


Angel-Oi, ah. Duo. Help. Please!

  
  


Duo-Can't, busy. I'm trying to keep my hair from being burned off. *runs past with flames coming from his hair* AAAAAHHH! YOU MANIAC! YOU LIT MY HAIR ON FIRE! WATER!

  
  


Angel-Heero? How about you? *a small streak of red dribbles down her throat as the blade cuts* Heero?

  
  


Heero-Sorry. I'm having too much fun watching Duo. *stares at the boy sitting on his knees crying over a piece of his braid in his hands*

  
  


Duo-Heero! MY HAIR! *attacks Heero and attempts to strangle him*

Angel-Well, when, if ever, I get this straightened out, I'll start writing my next story. Why do riots always break out at the end all my stories?


End file.
